My first "deep" post

Monday, April 9, 2012

I journal on a semi-frequent basis. Mostly it helps me remember to pray because I write about who I need to pray for and the things that go on in my life. The entries in my journal read like letters written expressly to God. Journaling is easily my most favorite form of venting.
Something that has been weighing heavily on my mind (and has been a frequent topic of my journal as of late) has been the possibility of children in my future. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and I can't seem to come up with an answer. I've never been keen to having kids myself for a number of reasons, one of them being my sisters traumatized me. They were the epitome of bratty children and extremely girly, which I've never been. So if I did have kids, I don't think I could handle a girl.
A second reason is none other than I've seen shows/videos of women in labor and it's not pretty. I am not quite sure I have a high enough pain tolerance to not pass out. Not to mention I have terrible anxiety. I stress about everything to the point where it affects me emotionally and physically. Nine months of being anxious would not be good for me, or the baby. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it *deep breath.*
My fiance, Cam, has been very vocal to put it nicely about not wanting kids. He has seven nieces and nephews (and two step-nephews who are grown so they don't count), who are already very precious to me. His mom babysits said nieces and nephews and a few other kids so he is around kids all the time. I don't blame him for getting frustrated with them.
A few weeks ago we were with some friends who happened to be babysitting their nephew. I went into the kitchen to get the baby something and my friend asked Cam to hold the baby for a minute while she got ready to feed him. He said no. He wouldn't even hold a happy, freshly-changed baby. I'm not gonna lie when I say it bothered me a little bit. And he got a kick out of the fact that when he yelled "Boo!" the baby started crying. I get that he enjoys joking and wrestling with his nieces and nephews, but come on!
We've talked it over so many times. At first we were in total agreement; no kids whatsoever. But as we start getting closer to our wedding and our future we have started to second guess that. Cam asked me a few weeks ago who would take care of us when we got older if we didn't have kids. This scared me because I didn't have an answer. With my grandma in the hospital, I've seen how dedicated her kids have been to visiting and making sure she's okay. What if I don't have that? And what would we do with our whole lives? Work and travel (he wants to do some big game hunting and fishing)? As much as I love traveling, I just feel like something would be missing.
I know that my praying is not for nothing. I'll get an answer eventually so I just have to keep thinking and looking out for what is best for myself and my future husband. We shall see, I suppose.

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