Frankly Friday v6

Friday, October 26, 2012

via my Instagram, link to the right
In this post earlier this week I showed you guys a sweatshirt that I found online that is extremely applicable to my life right now. The fact that I wake up, try to survive and then go back to bed is kind of depressing, but ultimately it's what I (and probably a lot of other people) have to do to get by each day.
I know I've talked about this before, but after my best friend died my sophomore year of high school I went through basically a roller coaster of personalities. Of course I was sad at first, then I was angry, then I went through an extremely Christian phase (not a bad thing, just not normal for me) and lastly depression/anxiety.
Unfortunately that last phase is still hanging around.
I'm not sure I ever accepted her being gone. Every good friend I've ever had since her passing gets compared to her. "They don't give me advice like she did..." "I never want to spend as much time with them as I did with her..." I love my friends dearly, I spend every weekend with them and do feel as though I can trust them. My problem is I just don't think I ever really accepted her being gone.
My anxiety started when I realized that just like her, other people around me could pass away unexpectedly as well. It was terrifying. I'm not sure if any of you have ever experienced a panic/anxiety attack, but they're no fun. A recent example was about a month ago. My cat sort of jumped/fell down the stairs. She didn't fall, but from my angle it looked like she did. I heard her crying in the basement and said to my dad, "Is she okay?" He said yes, she does that all the time. But for some reason, I imagined my cat hurt, injured and would probably lie there and die. Dramatic, right? It gets worse. For some reason my mind then correlated this with me dad to the point where I imagined my dad lying there and dying. I had to get up and leave before the levy burst. I cried and cried and my heart raced and I couldn't breathe. My whole body was tense and afraid.
Needless to say that's a very, very bad feeling.
Lately I haven't been myself. I don't want to spend time with my friends, I don't want to spend time doing things I enjoy, crowds freak me out and I just want to stay home lately. My freshman year of college I sought help, finally, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I didn't get any medicine or anything because I was sort of afraid to. I did spend a lot of time in sessions but thought I was okay after.
I haven't been feeling the depression much until these last few weeks. Sure I have days where I'm happy, but frankly I know it's back, and I just have to deal with it and do my best to make it go away again. The anxiety I think I may be in too far over my head to deal with.
I'm not asking for sympathy, I never have, but I would like prayers, because sometimes I feel really, genuinely alone (like in the awesome Instagram shot above). This is something I've been battling for almost five years (with high points and low points) and am ready to be rid of it for good.

12 comments:

  1. I will be thinking of you and praying for you Genna! I have been diagnosed with both anxiety and depression (a few years back after my world came crashing down in a lot of different ways) and was on medication for it for a while. I would just encourage you to get help again. If you can admit it here you absolutely have the courage to get help and get on the right track again. I know how intense it can be and how it seems like it won't ever end, but there is a way out, you just have to find the right way for you. Love you, girl! It was so brave of you to share this!

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    1. Thanks Katie, I really appreciate the love and support and definitely encouragement!

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  2. Do you link up every week? I don't remember coming to your blog before but I check out the FF link ups.

    Anyway, I love how honest and real you are! Have you ever read Martyn Lloyd-Jones book"Spiritual Depression"? You should seriously check it out! I have dealt with what my Mom calls depression and I call melancholy. After hearing this book quoted over and over again I finally got a copy.

    Reading it didn't make things go away, but it was REALLY helpful. I will be praying for you! God never means for His people to be stuck in a place of such darkness and despair. I am convinced that there is always a way out even if I don't know what it always is.

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    1. I try to! I schedule my posts a few days in advance but sometimes forget to link up ;) and I will probably check that book out. I love reading, but during school I'm super busy, so Christmas break it is :) Thank you so, so much for the prayers. It really means a lot to me.

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  3. Geez. Anxiety sucks so bad. I've had anxiety attacks, and you're right, they're no fun. I also understand a bit what you went through after your friend died in high school -- obviously our experiences were very different, but I had a friend pass in hs and I went through a super religious phase (which wasn't normal for me) and some other phases that lasted for years and years. So weird to think parts of my identity go back to this one crisis in my life.

    I'd like to double everything Katie said. You're so brave to post it here, and it seems like a step in the right direction -- obviously you know something's going on and you aren't afraid to look at it and start taking it on. Which is so important.

    Please let me know if I can be helpful or supportive in any way! I know sometimes it's weird to reach out to people you don't know in "real life." But I'd love to be there for you if you need me to!

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    1. I totally know what you mean about "you" being formed by one thing from so long ago. That's excatly how I would describe it. And you ARE already helpful and supportive! I appreciate our friendship so much!

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  4. Ugh... anxiety and depression are awful to live with. I've been dealing with it all for a while now and I find that every year when the days get shorter it hits harder. (Seasonal Affective Disorder... real thing ha.) If I don't purposely keep things on my schedule it's all downhill and it goes fast. It takes a lot of energy to not slip into that dark place.

    I'll pray for you. Will you pray for me?

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    1. Oh I know it's really! I learned about it in a psychology class and when I was in sessions (in the winter) my therapist mentioned that it may be why I was peaking at such a random time. I will ABSOLUTELY pray for you, Laura! I appreciate the prayers back. Love the support :)

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  5. Love the honesty in this post. Just remember, though - you are NEVER alone, especially in the blogging community - there are a lot of great people who are ready to listen whenever you need it!

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    1. Thank you! I think half the reason I was able to summon the courage to post it (it's been in drafts for a while) is because I knew I could count on all my awesome blog friends to support me.

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  6. ::HUGS::
    I'm so sorry dear!
    I know exactly what you mean, anxiety/depression is so extremely frustrating.
    I definitely encourage you to look into counseling. I went to counseling my sophomore year of college to deal with some serious things that i had never really or FULLY dealt with and it helped soooooo much.
    <3 you girl
    And sometimes the first step in getting better is being FRANK with yourself, so GOOD for you!

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    1. Hugs are definitely appreciated! Ad I agree, now that I have gotten it "out there" and admitted it to myself, a return to counseling may be in order! Love the support, thanks girl <3

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