In this post earlier this week I showed you guys a sweatshirt that I found online that is extremely applicable to my life right now. The fact that I wake up, try to survive and then go back to bed is kind of depressing, but ultimately it's what I (and probably a lot of other people) have to do to get by each day.
I know I've talked about this before, but after my best friend died my sophomore year of high school I went through basically a roller coaster of personalities. Of course I was sad at first, then I was angry, then I went through an extremely Christian phase (not a bad thing, just not normal for me) and lastly depression/anxiety.
Unfortunately that last phase is still hanging around.
I'm not sure I ever accepted her being gone. Every good friend I've ever had since her passing gets compared to her. "They don't give me advice like she did..." "I never want to spend as much time with them as I did with her..." I love my friends dearly, I spend every weekend with them and do feel as though I can trust them. My problem is I just don't think I ever really accepted her being gone.
My anxiety started when I realized that just like her, other people around me could pass away unexpectedly as well. It was terrifying. I'm not sure if any of you have ever experienced a panic/anxiety attack, but they're no fun. A recent example was about a month ago. My cat sort of jumped/fell down the stairs. She didn't fall, but from my angle it looked like she did. I heard her crying in the basement and said to my dad, "Is she okay?" He said yes, she does that all the time. But for some reason, I imagined my cat hurt, injured and would probably lie there and die. Dramatic, right? It gets worse. For some reason my mind then correlated this with me dad to the point where I imagined my dad lying there and dying. I had to get up and leave before the levy burst. I cried and cried and my heart raced and I couldn't breathe. My whole body was tense and afraid.
Needless to say that's a very, very bad feeling.
Lately I haven't been myself. I don't want to spend time with my friends, I don't want to spend time doing things I enjoy, crowds freak me out and I just want to stay home lately. My freshman year of college I sought help, finally, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I didn't get any medicine or anything because I was sort of afraid to. I did spend a lot of time in sessions but thought I was okay after.
I haven't been feeling the depression much until these last few weeks. Sure I have days where I'm happy, but frankly I know it's back, and I just have to deal with it and do my best to make it go away again. The anxiety I think I may be in too far over my head to deal with.
I'm not asking for sympathy, I never have, but I would like prayers, because sometimes I feel really, genuinely alone (like in the awesome Instagram shot above). This is something I've been battling for almost five years (with high points and low points) and am ready to be rid of it for good.