Frustration station

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

This is a terribly selfish post. Beware.
But this is my blog and my space and I need to get this off my chest ASAP.
Yesterday was what would have been my best friend Kelsey's 21st birthday. Instead it was her fifth birthday in heaven. Two weeks ago was the fifth anniversary of her passing.
But I have a problem. This problem started five years ago. No, it's not my anxiety/depression although that is still quite the obstacle. Instead, it's people.
I have a short fuse and low tolerance. So when people start coming out of the wood work claiming how much they miss Kelsey and wish she were here, how much they remember all the times they spent together and how close they were, I can't help but get defensive, even aggressive.
Lies.
It's really terrible of me, but I've developed a deep disdain for all these people. I guarantee they don't feel this pain I live with everyday. And wishing she were here? Bull. Any good friend would never wish their friend back to this place after five years of living in a place of pure beauty. I miss her, of course, but don't want her back here. All the times they spent with her? Probably two occasions. Closeness? None.
Last night I sat on Twitter and would type an angry Tweet and erase it. Type another, erase it. I did this for almost an hour. I was enraged. I can't stand it. I'm getting mad just typing about it. I didn't have the guts to post any thing and knew I would regret it so I stopped and tried to breath deeply (didn't help). What do I do when the fakeness is all around me and I can't avoid it?
I am selfish, rude and probably misunderstanding. But I cannot handle these things. I am mad to the point of shaking. I hope I'm not alone in this and I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but it's how I feel. There's a difference in missing someone and plastering all over the social networks that you "love/miss/remember all those times/wish she were here.
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6 comments:

  1. i'm so proud of you for refraining from venting on twitter/fb. i've done that so many times and rarely does it turn out positive lol.
    I know what you mean though. I get overly frustrated when people attempt to bring up the death of someone just because it will bring them attention.
    What has helped me to "cool off" i suppose is realizing that maybe that one hang out, that one conversation, those few memories that some may have with the person that has passed was all they needed to be influenced by them forever. Maybe Kelsey influenced so many people in such a short time period, just in different levels. She will always be held close to your heart and you will be reminded of the friendship that y'all shared. Others, might remember her for her kind words or the fun jokes she said, others still might just remember how great of a person she was. We all have different levels of connections with people, and it helps me to realize that while i may have been closer and loved that person more, it doesn't mean that they didn't influence the lives of random strangers.
    ::hugs::. <3

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    1. I've done it before but I totally learned from it. And that is exactly what these people do and it drives me up a wall. You're absolutely right though about different levels of connections. Like I said I am probably totally misinterpruting everyone.

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  2. Girl, you're totally not alone. I remember losing a really good friend in High School & everyone that never even talked to him was bawling about how much they missed him. All I can do is sit there & be like, "What? You've seen him pass you in the hall once or twice?" It's pathetic, really. But I just have to ignore it & focus more on myself. DEFINITELY easier said than done though. That is for certainty. I'll keep you in my prayers, sweet girl! I"m so sorry you're dealing with this.

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    1. It is SO frustrating and makes me want to hit someone! I am glad I'm not the only one with those feelings. And it's so much easier sad. Thank you times a million for praying. I could most certainly use it.

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  3. I've never lost anyone that close to me but I can understand the anger you're feeling. Good for you for not posting those mean statuses, while it may have made you feel better at the time you probably would have regretted it.
    I think social media [at least from my perspective]is a lot of "My life is better than yours, my sadness is greater than yours and I'm more important than you" and I think a lot of people post things like that just to have some sort of sympathy sent their way. It's really sad, and incredibly hurtful to people like you who have actually had something taken from them.
    I wish I had some great advice for you, but all I have is this internet hug.

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    1. I have certainly posted some of those statuses/tweets, but I've learned from that mistake in the past. It is really never as satisfying. Sort of like an immediate gratification type thing? I fully agree with that perspective by the way. Everyone is always trying to on-up the other person. I am just thankful for your support, Tamara. Internet hug right back!

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