This is a terribly selfish post. Beware.
But this is my blog and my space and I need to get this off my chest ASAP.
Yesterday was what would have been my best friend Kelsey's 21st birthday. Instead it was her fifth birthday in heaven. Two weeks ago was the fifth anniversary of her passing.
But I have a problem. This problem started five years ago. No, it's not my anxiety/depression although that is still quite the obstacle. Instead, it's people.
I have a short fuse and low tolerance. So when people start coming out of the wood work claiming how much they miss Kelsey and wish she were here, how much they remember all the times they spent together and how close they were, I can't help but get defensive, even aggressive.
It's really terrible of me, but I've developed a deep disdain for all these people. I guarantee they don't feel this pain I live with everyday. And wishing she were here? Bull. Any good friend would never wish their friend back to this place after five years of living in a place of pure beauty. I miss her, of course, but don't want her back here. All the times they spent with her? Probably two occasions. Closeness? None.
Last night I sat on Twitter and would type an angry Tweet and erase it. Type another, erase it. I did this for almost an hour. I was enraged. I can't stand it. I'm getting mad just typing about it. I didn't have the guts to post any thing and knew I would regret it so I stopped and tried to breath deeply (didn't help). What do I do when the fakeness is all around me and I can't avoid it?
I am selfish, rude and probably misunderstanding. But I cannot handle these things. I am mad to the point of shaking. I hope I'm not alone in this and I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but it's how I feel. There's a difference in missing someone and plastering all over the social networks that you "love/miss/remember all those times/wish she were here.