Depression lies

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Have you guys heard of The Bloggess? Her name is Jenny and I feel like we're bffs. She wrote of the funniest books I've ever read in my life (on my top 10 list, for sure. Read it.) and is so real and vulnerable about her struggles with depression, suicide, mental illness, life in general, etc. on both her blog and Twitter.
She makes me feel like I'm not alone of a regular basis.
So now it's my turn to get real. Here's what's been going on: The last few months got really, really bad. Blame it on the weather, stress, whatever. I am sicker than I've ever been. I was not excited about my wedding.
And things came to a peak on the honeymoon (of all times/places) when it started affecting my ability to be affectionate with my new husband.
I was miserable, suicidal (not actively) and having a hard time putting it into words. There is no way to describe the feeling of my thoughts being drown by the depression. You can't understand unless you experience it and he hasn't. He doesn't know or understand (not his fault at all!) but it makes things much more complicated. It was hard, we were fighting, it was not a honeymoon.
My head started lying to me, telling me no one wanted to be with me. My husband was upset (understandably) because I was too preoccupied by my thoughts to want to have sex, I felt like the other couples didn't want to spend time with us (probably true, I was miserable) and it was work to go do things.
Things have gotten relatively better since we've been back. I've decided to make some medication changes in hopes that it helps balance my hormones out. As diagnosed a few years ago, I've noticed the anxiety and OCD ebb and flow with the depression. When it's bad, they're bad. Bastards.
Things are just so hard right now. I'm a newlywed trying to get used to life as a couple, I'm a recent graduate with no full-time job and few prospects, I'm just a person trying to find my place right now. This is not for sympathy. I know people have it worse, but this is my pain and my struggle, not anyone else's.
My faith is so weak. The last few weeks I've really been analyzing it and it's practically nonexistent. Sure I still believe and all, but I'm not practicing anything. I'm not praying, not hoping, not relying or following. I'm just so lost it's almost unbelievable. Where did I go and how did I get here? How long have I been going down this road?
I have no idea, but I'm starting to feel a little hopeful again. This episode has been a particularly bad one and I'm ready to make my way back to the surface and figure out a way to get this to never happen ever again. I've been scared for myself. I am buried within my own head and no common sense is helpful when you're so far gone.
Can I elaborate of that for a second? Of course I can, this is my blog. I feel like for the last six years I have been trapped in my own head. The real me is in there somewhere, practically caged up while depression/anxiety/OCD run the show, dictating what is done, how I feel about it and more. They're running my life and I'm stuck in here praying that I have a break out of this cage as soon as possible. Because this cage is more like a glass case. Somedays the glass case is really, really full of water leaving little room to breath. Other times the glass case is empty, but I'm still stuck inside.
I've been trying to reevaluate things in my faith, basing just about everything I do around Romans 8:18. Every time it gets hard I just repeat it to myself over and over and over for as long as it takes for me to come back, snap out of it, whatever. I've also been reading a great book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner. It's a biblical look at why things happen and where God is/what He's doing through it all.
I know the depression is lying to me and drowning the real me on purpose. But it's not going to win.
Depression lies.
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12 comments:

  1. Love you, Genna. I'm so proud of you for having the courage to press post on this. Sometimes it helps a little just to talk about it.

    Know that you are not alone. I am diagnosed with anxiety and OCD as well, with a history of major depressive episodes. You described so well what I have felt so many times. For me, those episodes tend to center around huge life changes (like getting married, having a baby, etc) so maybe now that you are settling in your new life, the lies of depression will release their hold a little bit. I hope that for you.

    If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am here for you. Lots of love and hugs.

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    1. You're so right. Writing it out felt like the world lifted off my shoulders. I think it was a big, huge beast of an episode. I appreciate your love, friend! It means the world to me right now <3

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  2. love love love love love for you.

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  3. I'm so glad you're still here. Sending you love.

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    1. Thanks, Jenny. Thanks for being a light for so many of us!

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  4. You're strong and amazing for sharing this. Sending lots of love your way!

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  5. From someone who has had anxiety in the past, the thing that broke me of my anxiety was doing things that scared me even though doing those things caused panic attacks and nausea. Just do it any way. When you hear that voice in your head that tells you that you can't, you can. Do it anyway. The devil works in strange ways and one of them is making it seem like its you and its not, its him. Do things that make you uncomfortable. Dig up the energy and do it. I can say your amazing for sharing this post and it is brave, but just telling you that won't help you. Unfortunately until you beat this, no amount of medication in the world will fix it. It has to come within in your heart. The fact that you said that your faith has been nonexistent tells me exactly who is controlling your mind and it is NOT God. Please don't be offended by this comment. I really mean it to help you and its something that I wish someone had told me when I had problems with anxiety.
    Fight this Gen. You can do it. We all love and support you. The song below tells it all better than I can.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkix3Tg8L5E

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    1. I'm not offended at all! Love you <3

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  6. Struggling within ourselves is one of the hardest things to talk about and share. And when you throw in a spouse, that you also have to take into consideration who may not be familiar with your struggles, anxiety is just waiting to explode. It's hard to deal with it all. I think posting/opening up about it is a great place to start, and it takes a lot of guts to share that with the world. Just keep pushing forward and know that you have a whole support system out here in blog land cheering you on.

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    1. Thanks, Tam. And you are SO right!

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