She makes me feel like I'm not alone of a regular basis.
So now it's my turn to get real. Here's what's been going on: The last few months got really, really bad. Blame it on the weather, stress, whatever. I am sicker than I've ever been. I was not excited about my wedding.
And things came to a peak on the honeymoon (of all times/places) when it started affecting my ability to be affectionate with my new husband.
I was miserable, suicidal (not actively) and having a hard time putting it into words. There is no way to describe the feeling of my thoughts being drown by the depression. You can't understand unless you experience it and he hasn't. He doesn't know or understand (not his fault at all!) but it makes things much more complicated. It was hard, we were fighting, it was not a honeymoon.
My head started lying to me, telling me no one wanted to be with me. My husband was upset (understandably) because I was too preoccupied by my thoughts to want to have sex, I felt like the other couples didn't want to spend time with us (probably true, I was miserable) and it was work to go do things.
Things have gotten relatively better since we've been back. I've decided to make some medication changes in hopes that it helps balance my hormones out. As diagnosed a few years ago, I've noticed the anxiety and OCD ebb and flow with the depression. When it's bad, they're bad.
Things are just so hard right now. I'm a newlywed trying to get used to life as a couple, I'm a recent graduate with no full-time job and few prospects, I'm just a person trying to find my place right now. This is not for sympathy. I know people have it worse, but this is my pain and my struggle, not anyone else's.
My faith is so weak. The last few weeks I've really been analyzing it and it's practically nonexistent. Sure I still believe and all, but I'm not practicing anything. I'm not praying, not hoping, not relying or following. I'm just so lost it's almost unbelievable. Where did I go and how did I get here? How long have I been going down this road?
I have no idea, but I'm starting to feel a little hopeful again. This episode has been a particularly bad one and I'm ready to make my way back to the surface and figure out a way to get this to never happen ever again. I've been scared for myself. I am buried within my own head and no common sense is helpful when you're so far gone.
Can I elaborate of that for a second? Of course I can, this is my blog. I feel like for the last six years I have been trapped in my own head. The real me is in there somewhere, practically caged up while depression/anxiety/OCD run the show, dictating what is done, how I feel about it and more. They're running my life and I'm stuck in here praying that I have a break out of this cage as soon as possible. Because this cage is more like a glass case. Somedays the glass case is really, really full of water leaving little room to breath. Other times the glass case is empty, but I'm still stuck inside.
I've been trying to reevaluate things in my faith, basing just about everything I do around Romans 8:18. Every time it gets hard I just repeat it to myself over and over and over for as long as it takes for me to come back, snap out of it, whatever. I've also been reading a great book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner. It's a biblical look at why things happen and where God is/what He's doing through it all.
I know the depression is lying to me and drowning the real me on purpose. But it's not going to win.