I'm 22, settled into my home and happily married.
So why am I so focused on what's next?
The last few weeks I have been totally preoccupied with the thought of having children. The idea terrifies me. When Cam and I first got together we were both adamantly against having kids.
I was anti-children mainly because having a girl terrifies me (my sisters were both bratty and dramatic children, which scarred me for life). Not to mention my terrible anxiety about the actual process of child birth *shudders*. Cameron's mom babysits in their home, which meant Cameron had to deal with his nieces and nephews plus a handful of other children on a daily basis until he moved out a year ago.
Before we got married we had dinner on night with Cameron's older brother and his wife. Somehow children came up in the conversation *queue Genna's anxiety* and when Cameron told his brother we had no intention of having kids he laughed and said, "Just give it a few years." Yeah, right...or so we thought.
We were at the county fair (strictly for the food, promise) a few weeks ago and we ran into a friend and his wife with their nine-month old. She had a little pony tail sticking straight out of the top of her head and was laughing and cooing and just being all-around adorable. I glanced at Cam, who usually grimaces when children are in the general vicinity. But this time he had a strange look on his face. Not quite yearning, but close to it.
Since then we've talked about the prospect of our future family a few times a week. Do we want kids? Do we wanna wait another five years? Ten years? Are we financially stable enough to even consider this? Should we just drift along and let whatever happens, happen and not plan at all? What if *gasp* we have a girl?
I am trying really, really hard to be content with where I am in my life. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful home, job that I love, two happy dogs and no babies to tend to at night. Still, I am preoccupied with the thought of kids.
My convictions about children have been stronger than ever lately. In pre-marital counseling we studied a lot about the Lord's purpose for marriage and families. He said children are blessings. Who wouldn't accept a blessing from God? Me. The idea scares me. Was I a bad person for that?
Maybe it's the idea of what's next. So far in my life I've always had something to look forward to. First it was graduating high school, then college, then engagement, then graduation, then the wedding, getting a job, then buying our home. And now...?
I need to be okay with where I am, I know that. But it's so nice to have something to look forward to.
Last week I was late. Not by a lot, just two days. My body usually runs like clockwork so I had a little "what if" floating around in my head. I didn't tell Cameron because two days is no big deal at all. But the seed has been planted.