Lately things have been really good. I honestly don't believe it's a just a depression upswing, I think I'm actually doing better. Work is great, my marriage is really improving, new and healthy friendships are blossoming and overall I just feel happy. It's a big change and I feel like myself again after so, so many years with a cloud over my head.
Unfortunately, last weekend a new bomb was dropped, one I knew was coming but still wasn't ready for.
Back in June of 2012, I wrote this post when we found out my uncle had cancer. We didn't know how long he had and my uncle didn't want to find out. The doctors were never able to find the origin of his cancer so treating it was difficult. Radiation, chemo, etc. droned on, with the cancer coming back each time, usually bigger and stronger.
About a month ago we were at my grandma's for her 97th birthday party (she's a tough/awesome old lady). My uncle was there for about 30 minutes and visibly exhausted and in pain the either time. He walked in, sat down, moved to another chair to eat and then left. It was hard seeing him that way.
On Saturday he went to the hospital for chest, abdominal and hip pain (his hip has been the biggest problem area since the beginning and he has a lot of trouble moving, walking, sitting, really anything, because of it). The doctors found a number of tumors on his spinal cord putting pressure on a lot of different areas. They're radiating to attempt to shrink the masses hoping to alleviate some of the pain, but not cure anything.
Our family combination Thanksgiving/Christmas (we call it Christ-giving. Sound nice, doesn't it?) was planned for this Saturday. Even though no one will say it, we combined them because we don't know how much longer he'll have. My uncle and his wife planned a big, fancy, catered party sort of as a last hurrah, I think. But because of his week-long radiation treatments, it's been cancelled.
I'm not sure what it was about that cancellation for me, but all of the sudden his death became a reality. He's been sick and suffering for a long time, and there have been a few close calls where my mom told us to "prepare," but it's not any easier.
What complicates it all is Kelsey's death. To recap, my best friend died in 2008 of Addison's Disease, a one-in-a-million autoimmune disorder no one knew she had. It was heartbreaking, life altering and sudden. I didn't see her death coming, but with my uncle's I do.
Dealing with death this way is hard. I don't know how to handle the fact that it's coming, inevitably. "Giving it to God" is a lot easier said than done, especially when It consumes every other thought in my head.
I'm not writing this for pity for myself, but maybe some advice and prayer. Prayers for my uncle's pain, prayers for my family and myself. I'm not sure what will happen, or if it will happen anytime soon, all I know is we need a miracle.